Night Vale According To Larke
by nomuseneeded
Summary: Larke, a seventeen year old girl living in the small desert town of Night Vale has high hopes of some day taking over the town's radio show when Cecil retires. Until then she's decided to do her own little radio shows in preparation. ((A/N a chapter will probably be posted within a week after every show, all suggestions are appreciated)).
1. New Year Resolutions

Everything you wear could eventually become your skin. Just in case, you should probably change that shirt. Welcome to Night Vale Radio, since, you know, we're already in Night Vale. I'm Larke, a seventeen year old female who goes to Night Vale High and hopes one day to be The Voice of Night Vale. I considered being an intern to learn the trade, but seeing how the interns are dying left and right my mom vetoed that one. So instead I went to the auction and bought some radio equipment and now I have a radio show. It was part of my New Years Resolution that I get closer to obtaining my career. And you all know what happens if you don't complete your New Years Resolution! So let's get on with the news I think is important.

Everyone knows about the oranges, that's kind of old news now, isn't it? But I mean, what do you expect from farmers wearing black double vested suits and bright red ties? I'm not saying I blame anyone who ate the oranges, but for everyone who made it, lets make it a learning experience and pay a bit more attention this time. In other news, I'm not dissing the city council, as I'd be physically unable to do that, but anyone else trying to make a graceful exit should know that disappearing in a smoke filled room is way over dramatic. I mean, the fact that it took them two tries and the square glasses were nice touch, but it didn't make up for the attempt. And people say teenage girls are melodramatic! You know, I've been thinking more about oranges, and the things themselves are actually way cool. I mean, impossibility is so in now. Anyway, now on to the news most of my listeners care about: high school!

Yesterday, behind the bleachers, Ociel, the weird kid was fake pink hair and huge eighties glasses, was caught making out with Megan. Or at least as much as you can make out with a grown mans detached hand. One of the kids called him a pervert, because I mean she's still in what, elementary school right? To which he responded that since Megan was a grown mans hand she was technically a percent, and also technically a he. This other guy, Nardo, has totally had a crush on Ociel since the beginning of time, quite literally I think, said "Hold up, you like guys too?" To which Ociel responded that he was pansexual with a preference for monsters. Megan, thinking she was being called a monster, slapped him and ran, or rather floated, away. Ociel went to follow her, but as he was turning Nardo ripped off his shirt, revealing dazzling silver scales across his chest and a bright purple eye in the middle of it. Apparently to Ociel that was quite a bit more attractive than being a grown mans detached hand, as they soon began kissing, and everyone else left, thinking that most of the drama was over. Updates on their relationship will be next week, as things progress.

And now for the beautiful person of this week. I don't know his or her or it's name, but the thing sitting in front of me in Math Class is way gorgeous. You know, the one with long, shaggy brown hair with black streaks, that puffs out all direction and just in general amazes everyone. I'm still not quite sure who or what you are, but if you're listening to this you should totally turn around and talk to me. Just say anything, anything at all. Except for maybe you're a creep or stop staring at me every second or don't stalk me, because that would be way uncool, being mean is always way uncool.

Now I understand that here there's normally things like the traffic and messages from sponsors the weather and corrections. But here's the deal, okay? Corrections are stupid because I'm allowed to be wrong. If you don't want wrong things don't listen to me. I make up half this stuff as I go along anyway. And weather? You should be out making your own weather. Become the god of your dreams and control the elements and the soul-songs and everything else that works together to create our weather. Don't let my radio broadcast hold you back. The only sponsor I currently have is my mother, and the only message she has is that auction house owes her new shoes, though I tried telling her that blood is totally in these days. I mean, if you want to be way cool then you should be spreading blood over your shoes right now. And traffic? Well I'll look outside and see what I can do about traffic. Just… Just give me a minute.

….Ah there we go. Okay. Ahem. I see people. People limiting themselves to cars and wings and feet and grown mans detached hands. I see people who have yet to realize that while their body can travel, their souls don't travel, they simply be. They can be here, or be on the moon, or be sold to the devil. There is no moving here to there, only an intense, burning, shaking that gives us our lives and our vibrancy and vivacity and makes us totally way cool. And these people, who do not understand that their souls are only shaking and being as their bodies are travelling have yet to realize the most important part of souls. The vibrations are amplified as they soar through time and space back to your feeble little bodies, giving you more and more to live and love and experience as they travel. But remember I called the bodies feeble, my followers, beware. Because, if you go too far, it will be more than your body can bare to experience and that, my warriors, is death. Perhaps there are aggravating circumstances created by your soul— a tiny army, impossible oranges, someone who looks exactly like you but yet wants to attack you, but at the root of it all is simply the shaking of your soul in the distance, your own life overpowering you. So, my cult, keep your bodies in night vale, but your souls in the distance, not too far, still seen, but enough to give you life, and life to the fullest. Unless your name is Steve Carlsberg, in which case you're a total seed, and should get out of this town as soon as freaking possible. This has been traffic.

Now I have a bit more time to fill up so I'd like to talk about emojis for a moment. Cecil did before so it must be a good topic, and I'd like to tell you, Cecil hardly knows what cute is. I mean dinosaur emojis is so last week. Ever since wheats been banned, any wheat fashion is so in. So, if you want to get with that guy or girl or thing you've been interested in since the beginning of the year, I would strongly suggest using the emoji of wheat eating giant bowls of pasta and humans sitting around cheering to see who will finish the fastest. It's a way novel idea and it's not too complicated. Just hit all your keys three times, rip off your e key, and pour in virgin blood till the emoji pops up. And remember, in this case virgin means never used in a spell before, so don't kill your friends for not having sex. Just go get Steve Carlsberg and drain his blood. If he doesn't use it to make his own spells, stupid Steve…

Anyway, that seems to be our show for today everybody. I know it wasn't way awesome or anything, and it was too short, but if you have any ideas I'd love to hear 'em and I'll try to include you on the next show. Stay tuned next for me arguing with my mom over what to have for dinner! Have a way cool afternoon Night Vale.


	2. Axcel and Italy

The worst thing you could ever be is your neighbor. That guy is a Grade A jerk. So just be yourself. I mean, that may be the second or third worst thing, but it could be worse. Welcome to Night Vale Radio. I think I need another name for this. It's too much like the community radio, don't you think? Any suggestions get wheat-free cookie points. Is there normally wheat in cookies? I'm not much of a cook. Either way, there's no wheat in these cookies!

Now, I'm not going to report on what I'm not allowed to report on, but I would like to say that somedays I wish I was part of an army. Just any army. The only reason for that is I'd look way cute in camo, don't you think? Preferably blue camo.

Also who stole a freaking helicopter? That's way uncool. Airplanes, maybe, but a helicopter? Just because they stole you or your kids doesn't mean you can just steal them back. Almost every kid was brought back healthy so I don't see what the big deal is anyway. They're probably safer there than they are on the ground.

I think, in general, the high schoolers aren't particularly happy with StrexCorp for getting rid of White Sand Ice Cream Shop. We know it's not totally their fault, though I suspect partly there's, and we would definitely appreciate it if they replace it with another ice cream shop, seeing as White Sand was by far the best in town, and we are more than willing to spend money on decent ice cream. None of that powder in a cone stuff. That's way uncool.

In more high school news, Ociel and Nardo are so totally cute. Nardo has taken to walking around without his shirt on at all times, which Ociel greatly appreciates. Someone tried to ask Ociel what species Nardo was, as it seems to be on all of our minds, but Ociel simply responded that Nardo was "freaking beautiful and that was all that mattered." It's always way cool to defend your significant others, and I hope the school will soon be much more accepting of an interspecies couple. We're much better than that, aren't we? I think we are. Think of all we've been through. All the things that have almost killed you. So I say tomorrow we all go to school and kiss whoever the heck we want. Kissing is way cool too. I'd especially appreciate it if our beautiful person of the week kissed me.

This weeks beautiful person of the week is Axcel. Yes, Axcel is the human or thing sitting in front of the math class, and therefore is the same person as last week. I know it's know it's way uncool to already be repeating the beautiful person only two weeks in, but technically last time I didn't know his or her or it's name, so last week didn't really count, did it? I've done a bit of digging, and it's a very uncommon name, but it normally is the name of a male. That doesn't mean it can't be a female or non-gendered beings name, that's just the average. I can't find the meaning of it anywhere, but Axel, a similar name, means Father of Peace and that's way cool. I wish I could report that I found out his name by asking him, but that's not exactly what happened.

The teacher called him or her or it Adele and the being seemed slightly offended, because that's nothing like Axcel. She asked what it was then, and he or she or it answered all soft and shy and way sweet, so she couldn't hear him or her or it. But I heard because I hang on every word that beautiful being says. She asked that he or she or it spell it- And I'm going to say they from now on, that's easier- and they said "A-X-C-E-L" and she said, "oh, in that case, I don't want to call you." And proceeded to call on me, who was paying absolutely no attention to the problem. I'd say I wish they wasn't so beautiful, but I obviously I way love it. So even if they got me in trouble, they are still the beautiful person of the week.

I want to go to Italy. Doesn't anyone else? Then I can be THE WOMEN FROM ITALY and have there be poems about me and fear across the nation.

Unfortunately, today's message from our sponsor seems to be, "Larke you cannot go to Italy!

... Because you're seventeen and you need to school.

...Well it will be dangerous even in a few years.

...Because I said so Larke! I am your mother and you will obey me! Now go clean your room!"

It's good to know my mother cares about me. Too bad she'll worry when I go to Italy as soon as I graduate. I mean, you're not really suppose to listen to what your parents tell you, are you? Anyway, I think it's time for traffic.

There is only one word that transcends time and space. That has the ability to mean absolutely anything, or nothing at all. That word fills each person and place and thing and eventually overcomes it, so that the person is no longer itself, but only this word. This one word. What is that word you ask? Why, my dear cult, the word is 'whatever'. Say it with me: 'whatever'. Say it to your teacher: 'whatever'. Say it to your mom: 'whatever'. Say it to yourself: 'whatever'. And remember that this one word contains infinite abilities in a very finite world. Use it's powers wisely. Or whatever.

You know, lately I've been way nostalgic for my grandmother. Which is funny, because I didn't have a grandmother before today, and my mother told me that I never had a grandmother, so there's no way I can remember one. I mean I can just barely see the Scrublands and and great craft that some how remind me of her. I'm not sure why, but everytime the image crosses my mind I think of how my grandmother and I are almost out of time together. Almost out of time…

I think we need to have a talk to Ace Hardware about how to get customers. Because let me tell you, baristas with waxed mustaches and knit ties totally are a selling point for me. Perhaps the buttoned sweater-vests are a bit over the top, but still, seeing baristas outside their natural habitat is quite a privilege, and I wouldn't be surprised if parents of young children start flocking over for the event. And as soon as you have flocks of young children, you know all the weird people that will show up. At least some of us must need hardware. I mean, everyone needs a good two by four from time to time. Including me. But I'll be trying to find a hardware store that is a bit nicer to their parking lot baristas.

Well, that seems to be all I have for today everybody. I must say, I'm not quite sure how Cecil comes up with stuff to fill all his time. He almost ran out, didn't you notice that? I was hoping he would talk about Carlos. But that's just me, isn't it, fangirling over real people? Anyway, I don't have anything nearly as interesting to talk about as Carlos, so I'll just end it with a bit of wisdom:

Anyone sharing a name with you is your double from an alternate universe. Kill or be killed Night Vale. Stay tuned for me doing my homework while poorly humming the eternal scout song, and have a way cool afternoon Night Vale. Don't make me punish you for it being otherwise.


	3. Larke Speaks

A/N: Sorry this is a little late. And short. It's been a crazy week.

Everyone you see is thinking about you. Everyone you see is you. You are everyone you see. And you are wearing that hideous suit on the guy over there. Is that really the best you can do?

Welcome to Larke Speaks. I think this is a better name for the show, as it's much different from Night Vale Radio. And of course, let's be honest, this is all about me. But I'm still going to talk about what's important to the town.

If the tourism board really wants more people to come to the town, all they need is to put Carlos and Axcel on tourism flyers. Let me tell you, I'd be willing to come from any distance just to see Axcel, and I know quite a few different people who have their eye on Carlos. Cecil better watch out.

As for people Cecil is keeping an eye on, I want to know how Dana is one of them. With that going on, _and _our whole sister town from 19-whatever talking to us again, it seems impossible encounters is becoming way cool again. While this may make everyone want to try to talk to that special someone before Valentine's Day, I meant more time travel and spirit summoning than high school romances. Of course, it's always a good idea to give love a chance. We're all dying soon anyway.

In school we've been focused on making gifts to give Megan as she's trying to recover. Well, everyone is but Ociel, because they're not speaking. But Nardo is trying to bottle up some love to send her, and I'm sending a pint of my blood. You never know when blood's going to come in handy. Sheila is making a life-sized replica of the telephone booth entirely out of gloves and glue. I personally think it looks more like a blob at the moment, but no one tell her that.

I want to know what Axcel is making her, but I'm scared to ask. I want to know a lot more about Axcel. I just want to know _something_ about Axcel. If anyone tells me something about Axcel that I don't already know, I'll give you a pint of blood. But this offer is limited to four people. I've been low on blood recently, I need to stop giving it away.

On that note, the beautiful person of the week this week isn't suppose to be Axcel, is it? Well…. Well I think Megan deserves it, with all she's been through. I hope you're back soon Megan. Maybe this time you can run up to greet us, and use words to tell us hello. We all wish the best for you. Or most of us, anyway.

I've been thinking about the ocean lately. The ocean, and clouds. Now, seeing as I have never left the desert that is Night Vale, obviously I've never seen an ocean. But the Marine Scientist Association told us to think about clouds rather than going to the ocean. So, I've decided, that since they're both made of water, the ocean must look like swirling, dark, beautiful clouds. You can finally see the shapes clouds are taking up close and personal, so there will be no more arguments over what picture they are forming.

I think, rather than being one big cloud, the ocean must be a bunch of medium sized ones, overlapping and swimming under and over each other, glowing a deep blue and attacking the shoreline with razor sharp teeth. I think it would be one of the prettiest things I've ever seen besides Axcel. If only I could go there… Maybe someday I'll convince Axcel to take me. He seems like the rebellious type.

And now, a very interruptive word from our sponsors,

"Will you shut up about that… That… whatever being it is?"

"...Well you are much too young to have a crush on anything young lady!"

"I will stop screaming at your radio show when you shut up about that thing!"

"Of course I want you to reach your dreams but you're not going to live to reach your dreams if you think it's okay to date things!"

Let's stop that really quick and go to traffic.

Every single word you ever spoke is being put in a book. Everything you've ever thought, every dance you've ever danced, every movie you've ever watched. It's all being shoved into the book. It's not quite as thick as one might've hoped… The words are red. Blood red. Your blood red. Blood is slowly being drained from your body. Soon, the blood will run out. And with that, the book, and your life, will end. Eternally.

Well, that seems to be all I have for today. Have a way awesome day Night Vale. Talk to you soon.


End file.
